I am. I am. I am.

There's a moment when I'm listening to music and I become so immersed in it that I can feel the vibrations right down to my bones. I feel more alive in those moments than I do at any other point in my day. I feel myself shift from a state of mere existence to one of someone who is truly awake and living. It's as if I'm part of the song, like my heart is pumping to the beat of the drums and my thoughts are the lyrics flowing with the music.

Imagine a body and the way blood flows back and forth from a set point - the heart. There are times when music replaces my blood. I can feel it make its way through my body until it's sitting at the tips of my fingers. It's a feeling that probably won't make sense to anyone unless they've experienced the same thing.

I believe there are things that can't be explained. Now, that may go against the "Journalist's Code of Life" or whatever it is I'm supposed to follow as a journo, but think about it. Sometimes there are things that just can't be explained in a sentence or phrase. If it doesn't make sense, it probably won't until you've experienced it.

I'm not saying to just give up on it if it doesn't make sense to you. As journalists, we're taught to seek the answers no one else can find. We're told to go until we can't anymore and when we reach that point, go a little further. When there are things that can't be made sense of, try to find it. There will be times when even those experiences don't help you uncover and answer and that's okay. Searching for something doesn't always mean going out and forcing yourself into the situation. Sometimes you just have to stay calm and allow yourself to be.

"I listened to the old bray of my heart: I am. I am. I am."

~ Sylvia Plath, The Belle Jar

Words of change

Think of a word. It doesn't matter what it is. Do you have one? Good. Now form a sentence with it. Form a sentence based off of the first one. And form another and another. Words are the grounds on which we've built our lives. I know it's generally thought that ideas are the ground level of our lives. But think about it. Words are used to express ideas. Even words unspoken are expressed through hand motions, a look or a physical touch.

I have a small obsession with the words of others. Quotes. I collect them in a journal, hide them away for future reference. I was particularly drawn to one I've recently found:

"Right now, I want a word that describes the feeling you get - a cold, sick feeling deep down inside - when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don't want it to, but you can't stop it. And you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again be quite the same person you were."

~ Jennifer Donnelly, A Northern Light

Maybe I should have called this blog "My Weird Posts About Senior Year and How I'm Really Not Looking Forward To The End of It, But Can't Wait For It To Be Over At The Same Time". Too long? Yeah, too long. The reason I bring up to should-have-been name is because that quote is my senior year.

When this year is over, whether we want to or not, we will all experience a change so huge and so incredibly important that it will be impossible to go back. There's a feeling I'm certain others have felt before. It's that feeling you get when you have a future plan, but you're still not quite sure what's going to happen.

I know where my plan will take me next year. It will keep in this growing town. I'll be at the same college, working in the same, old office with the same movie posters hanging on the wall. I know where I'm planning on going, or rather, staying. But knowing something doesn't stop the change from happening.

Steven Chbosky wrote it best in his best seller, The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

"Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody."